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momunderquarantine

eekk everyone has germs!

Your past doesn’t define your future

This is a saying I say a lot because I think it’s true, your past does not define your present or future. Yes you are who you are because of your past experiences but letting your past hold you down makes you miss out on the present and on the future. How can you move ahead if you are letting your past haunt you? I know plenty of adults that love to blame their childhood for the shitty things or decisions they make or do and to that I say bullshit. You always have a choice, always. You can choose to continue down the path you are currently taking or you can change directions.

I grew up with a not so awesome background and though I don’t like it and I don’t like what my family did or does, I didn’t let them define me. I looked at them and thought “I don’t want to be like them” so I didn’t. I made my own path and became my own person early on and I’m always slightly taken aback when someone says that this is amazing and so hard to do because to me it wasn’t. I didn’t want to be like them so I choose not to be, that’s it. I didn’t have to work at it, I just looked at the people around me and learned from their mistakes instead of making my own. By no means does that mean I think I’m perfect, I’m not, I’m wonderfully flawed like any other person. I’ve made my mistakes in life and I’ve paid for them in spades. I’ve fallen and picked myself back up again and luckily once I make a mistake I make damn sure I don’t make it again.

My life isn’t perfect and it sure isn’t easy and sometimes it’s down right just hard but it is what is it and I love who I’ve grown into. So, what I say to you whomever reads this, I know life sucks sometimes and maybe you are currently going through something difficult but you will make it through and you are wonderful. You don’t need to be perfect, it’s okay to be wonderfully flawed because that’s what makes you you. Only you defines you, not your past, not your significant others, your children, your family, only you and that’s a beautiful thing and if you currently don’t like who you are or what situation you are in, all it takes is one step in the right direction followed by more steps. I sincerely hope you all are doing well and just know even though we don’t know each other, I personally love you for who you are and who you will become.

 

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Scar Revision Success!

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Talk to the hand daddy!

Success! However it was one of the most frustrating, irritating and annoying days of this year so far. We got stuck in traffic on the way there, her surgery was scheduled for 11:30am yesterday we arrived and found a parking spot and got into the hospital 10 minutes late because of the huge traffic jam and we left an hour and half before the surgery!!! Waited in the waiting room forever, they finally come back and grab us three to go to pre-op at about 1:30pm and then I made mention that I think her trach site had closed, which then prompts them to have to change the surgery plan because they were expecting to close the hole. So an misunderstanding happens between me and the man getting his face shoved in in the photo above because now it’s more of a cosemetic surgery isn’t necessary but we come to an understanding and decide to have the scar revision go through so we won’t have to do it when she’s older and can remember the surgery.

So I spent about an hour not talking to my other half but we both ended up apologizing to each others because we are adults and both were in the wrong. Meanwhile Katie’s in the OR and rocking it out and 45 minutes after the start we go in for the consulatation with the doctor who by the way is just amazing. I hugged her…twice and I don’t hug anyone other than Katie! Anyhow like I said the hole was closed which meant we did not have to stay the night which I was super glad about and we have one follow up and then ENT will be releasing her from their care! I’ll address that in a moment. She wakes up from sedation super pissed off because she’s in a strange room with a stranger and she sees me and grabs for me. I pick her up and there is still some wet blood at the site and then I had blood on me but I didn’t care because she was in my arms and even though she was screaming her head off, she was okay and fine.

Get the IV out of her hand, get her dressed, pop her in the stroller and we are off for our long walk to P5 parking lol (there was like no parking at C.S. Mott’s). Get her in the car and off her and I go……right into another traffic jam. Now here’s the thing every few minutes Katie is crying and I can’t do shit about it because well I’m on the freeway and need to drive so what is normally a 40 minute drive was an hour and 40 minutes of her crying off and on and me telling her “Katie soon we will be home and these cars will get out of my way” which well they didn’t lol but we got home a little after 5pm and I put her in her high chair put on some “Sarah and Duck” and she was just as happy as a clam. Got to finally feed her for the first time that day and she just was so chill all night. She stayed up later than normal but once she fell asleep she was out for the night and I only had to give her Tyenol twice. Which while I write this the little miss is napping.

This morning I woke up to even louder babbling and I go into her room and she gives me this huge smile and we get our day started and she’s acting like nothing has happened. She hasn’t been messing with the site so far so thank god for that and she’s just so happy and it warms my heart.

On the follow up appointment I was talking about earlier I want to say something seperate for it. Since April 21st 2015 we have been dealing with her having a trach, being attached to a ventilator, having home nurses, no privacy, more than our fair share of doctors appointments, RSV shots, trach changes, suctioning, two emergency trach changes, one time having to use the ambubag to get the mucus plug out, the weaning off oxygen, weaning off the breathe rate, weaning off the pressure, weaned off the vent completely, her wearing a HME (humidity moisture exchange valve), capped off, decannulation, and finally the scar revision. The best part of the follow up appointment (July 20th) is this it will finally close the chapter on the whole trach saga. All the stress, all the worries, all the invasive tests and procedures and my god it’s been tiring but so damn worth every moment.

To anyone and everyone that ever reads this, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read about my little miss and if you are currently going through anything trach related or preemie related please don’t hestitate to send me a message or ask questions because I’d be more than happy to help anyone on this road. It’s rocky and unsteady but don’t worry everyone in the preemie community will catch you when you fall. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

A week away

A week from now assuming Katie is healthy and everything she will go in for her scar revision procedure or surgery if you so prefer to call it that. It’s only supposed to take an hour and they will close the trach site if it’s still open (I can’t tell the little miss won’t let me see!) and make the scar look prettier. I’m not sure what all is going to happen but the little I do know is it isn’t a serious procedure because they will only be keeping her for 23 hours overnight so we won’t be fully admitted into the hospital.

I’m definitely nervous because well they are going to be putting her under even if it’s for a short time and the fact that the last week she’s been having allergy issues so I’m hoping those clear up like now so it doesn’t get delayed. C.S. Mott is super cautious about this kind of stuff with reason. I’m just super glad that she’s getting better. While I am still suffering from this bad ass sinus infection and luckily I’m not contagious.

On another note I play “Sid the Science Kid” for Katie when she’s getting a g-tube feed and every time they sing at the beginning she’ll look over at me like “hey you going to sing mommy or what?” I may have accidentally trained her with all the singing I do with her. Also I’m super excited because one of her former “podmates” at the NICU joined the naked neck club yesterday, so no more trach for her! So all in all very good things are happening even if I’m coughing up a damn lung!

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I’m watching you monkey mirror! 

A open letter to Katie

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Katie,

Today marks the 2nd anniversary of you coming home from your 225 day stay in NICU and I wanted to take a moment today to write a letter to you that I hope I expand on every year until you’re old enough to give them all to you.

I hope I have been a good mom to you and if I have messed up hopefully it was nothing major and just small things like making you mad because I wouldn’t let you go to a party or something like that. I really hope I do right by you and the reason I’m writing this letter is to tell you how much I love you and how proud I am of you. By now you’ve probably heard many stories about your NICU stay and the struggles during your baby/toddler years and maybe you have some memories of outpatient therapists or specialists or maybe you don’t. Right now I’m not sure where the road is leading us but I do know I am so proud of everything you do.

I’ve loved you and been proud of you since the day you were born and I know I definitely loved you from the moment I knew of your existence. I’m sure we won’t always see eye to eye but please know that every moment of your life I have cherished. You have always been wanted and always been loved. I will always be proud of you and love you no matter what. You have been through so much at such a young age and in such a short time and I can’t imagine loving anyone as much as I love you. Every new thing you do thrills me even if it’s something as simple as a smile or one step forward or one word spoken. We are incredibly lucky to have such an amazing daughter and I don’t know right now who you are going to turn out to be or where your road in life will take you but I do know no matter what, I will always love you for who you are. Your dad jokes he will disown you if you go to OSU but don’t worry he’s just joking because you’re amazing and you have both of us wrapped around your finger.

I’m really hoping that we don’t end up with a pony in the backyard and I hope we give you the space and room you need to grow and thrive and find yourself. I really hope I’m not too overprotective and let you be you and not wrap you up in bubble wrap to keep you safe and I really hope you are proud of me too. Because you are literally the best thing I have ever done in my entire life and I really really hope I haven’t let you down. I love you so much Katie and I’m sure I don’t show it enough but I hope I tell you how much I love you and how proud I am of who you have grown into. Katie, you have made my life such a joy and I hope I do the same for you in return.

I hope to keep this up writing you letters every year on this day and you already know about the many holiday cards I’ve written in by now and of course the hand written journals that talk about your childhood. You have your blanket over your head right now so I need to go take that off your head. I love you Katie and always will.

 

love,

Mom

The show must go on……again

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Katie loves her green ball!

Today was our first appointment with Katie’s new PMR doctor (Physical Medicine doctor) and it was definitely an interesting appointment for a few reasons. First off apparently my daughter has a bias against white haired men with a white beard so I’m not really sure how much she’s going to love meeting Santa for the first time this year. I imagine lots of screaming, because that’s what she did the entire appointment. She’d stop for a moment look to see if he was still there and start screaming again. So I may be slightly deaf today in my left ear but whatever. Wooo parenthood!

So the meat and potatoes of the appointment is this, he has no idea why Katie is so behind developmentally, meaning physical wise. She doesn’t crawl, she doesn’t walk however she scoots in circles when she wants to. Personally I feel it’s because she’s only really been able to do PT for the last almost 6 months but I’m not a doctor and that’s why we take her to a specialist. Anyhow he said she’s a mixed toned patient and that he wants to order x-rays of her spine and hips to rule out scoliosis which actually does run on my side of the family. He wants her to have a MRI done after her 3rd birthday, which I’ve agreed to. Lastly he starts talking about her face, how her ears are shaped, that she has a weak chin whereas I have a strong chin and finally her eye shape and set and says he would like her to have genetic testing done. Part of me is like “FUCK, I have to tell my crazy husband this” another part is like “wait she has my eye shape and set, do I have something genetically wrong with me?” a part of me is completely calm and the last part of me is internally screaming. We talked calmly about it and he mentioned how pleased he was with the progress she’s making in therapies and that he’ll see us back in September so obviously it’s not an emergency situation. I get the scripts and leave.

I get my sweet little girl into her car seat, I start driving and the freaked out part of me comes to a head. I have a disturbing ability to push that shit down and stay calm with the doctor. The entire time I’m thinking oh my god what if it’s genetic, is this my fault? Because as parents we sure do love to blame ourselves for anything and everything. Wooo parenthood. I’m thinking shit I have to call my husband and he’s going to flip his lid and go into a mental spiral where Katie will never be normal, living with us her entire life and our retirement savings will go to her care after we are dead. (He tends to freak the fuck out and jumps ahead to basically a dystopian future, it’s super annoying). So instead I turn on Queen’s “The show must go on” play it 3 times cry a little while I’m driving on the freeway. I dry my tears and pull myself together, take a deep breath and realize I am being silly.

When she gets the testing done only two things could possibly happen it shows up with something so now we have a diagnosis that hopefully we can work with or it comes up clean and rules out a whole slew of genetic issues which would be a good thing. Either way it’s a good thing, either we will know what’s up or we will know for sure that she doesn’t have a whole bunch of genetic stuff.

At this point, I just want answers and if there is something wrong, so what, we will deal just as we have been for the last two and a half years. Will it be harder? sure but isn’t that what life is all about a whole lot of sadness and hardship for a moment of happiness. Katie’s happy no matter what’s going on, whether its genetic or she’s building up strength physically, Katie is happy. She’s healthy, she’s thriving and she’s beautiful just the way she is.

So I’ll leave you with this on this cloudy, gloomy Friday, as Queen’s lyrics go “I’ll face it with a grin, I’m never giving in, the show must go on!”

 

I hope you all have a lovely Memorial Day weekend, I imagine I’ll probably post something about Memorial Day after I’ve gotten some sleep.

How Katie really feels about naptime

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Don’t let this picture fool you, she fights sleep like she’s Muhammad Ali! 

I thought I was only going to write one post today but surprise bam a second one. So most parents know the frustration of getting your little human to go down for a nap or go to bed at night. I have to commend each and everyone of you because holy shit do they ever fight naps like they are a boxer in a heavy weight championship bout. Don’t they know one day they will regret all the naps they are currently fighting. One day they are going to get older, I’m assuming teen years and want to nap but they can’t because homework or whatever. Then they become adults and have to work and have responsibilities and will have little to no time for naps (Unless your my husband that dude could sleep during a rock concert). I think it finally hits you when you have children how much you regret all those naps you didn’t take and then the cycle repeats because I’m pretty sure our parents were strongly considering giving us Benadryl or whatever they had in the 80’s to make us fall asleep and now I totally understand why on the side of the Benadryl bottle is says “Do not use to make child sleepy”.

 

I don’t by the way use Benadryl to make her sleepy but oh my god I totally get it now.

“You have to F-ing poop” TMI warning

Obviously from the title you know where this is going lol also that it is probably TMI!

So when you’re little one goes through an intestinal surgery whether it’s one or multiple ones you’ll come across a few bumps in the road especially when you add a G-tube into the mix. Depending on the child you’ll have to deal with either diarrhea or constipation. Well poor little Katie suffers for the later from time to time.

Normally she’s pretty regular but when she’s not it quickly becomes a nightmare because well what doesn’t come out that end comes up in another way….vomit! So the two days I’ve been giving her prune juice, nothing so today I upped the stakes and gave her pear juice so hopefully that does the trick. I’m kind of hoping it happens within the next hour because her dad will be home and we have a deal, he must change one diaper a day and I find it hilarious when the one diaper a day is the number 2 one. He gets so dramatic, I should video it one day and post it up because it’s honestly the funniest best thing ever and like the evil EVIL woman that I am I so enjoy his mental anguish when he is changing her diaper.

So moral of the story is I don’t need the book “Go the Fuck to sleep”, I need a book called “You need to fucking poop”. Happy weekend ❤

Sometimes this plain old sucks

Katie has a g-tube and while it’s awesome because I can make sure she gets all the calories she needs and the proper amount of vitamins etc. I fucking hate it. She’s got an extremely strong oral aversion and if you try to feed her orally she fights you and starts sobbing which of course isn’t great when you’re trying to make her like feed time and trying to convince her it’s fun to eat. She has a feeding evaluation at the end of the month and I hope on all that is holy that they figure this child out because so far I’m failing at an epic level.

The other issue with the g-tube is she pukes….a lot but it goes in cycles she’ll keep all her food down for weeks then she’ll go into a week long cycle of puking normally there’s a cause, she’s teething, she’s congested, allergy season, she got moved too quickly after being fed, was too active while getting her feed etc. but other times like this week it’s none of that and I have to sit her and struggle to find the problem and fix it so we can get her to keep her food down and I just want to pull my hair out. My husband gets pissed off when she pukes so that doesn’t help (he never does anything bad to us he just storms out to the garage), I fully believe he is also suffering from PTSD but he won’t get on the medication to help him. Anyhow this just plain old sucks and the day she eats orally full time consistently I swear to God I’m going to down a bottle of wine in celebration and then pass out on the kitchen floor because I don’t drink. lol

In the end Katie is still getting the calories she needs, so she isn’t losing weight but my god this is beyond frustrating and I wish that she didn’t have to go through all this crap.

I was doing so well

My god do I ever hate depression. I was doing so well for so long, I was off the depression meds for over a year then out of nowhere “hello darkness my old friend”. So now I’m waiting the 4-6 weeks for it to fully kick in and just having a hell of a day. It probably doesn’t help that I’ve forgotten to take my PTSD medication for the last few days. Nothing bad has happened. My daughter is being an absolute angel, the dog isn’t being annoying, and my husband is fine doing what he normally does playing video games. However I can just feel the anger and hate flow right out around me just coloring an otherwise beautiful spring day to just grey. If I had to sum up how I feel right at the moment it would be, I hate everything and everyone.

My husband tries to cheer me up and I just want to punch him in the face but then I also now if he didn’t try to cheer me up I’d still want to punch him in the face. By the way I have never punched anyone in the face, thought about it oh god yeah actually done it never. Currently the only person I don’t personally hate, is our daughter. Which I guess is progress but everyone else…..I want to give the middle finger salute. Whatever, fuck this day and fuck everything else too. Tomorrow will be another day and blah blah blah.

 

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Depression and PTSD definitely do not mix well….Fuck the Emperor as well! 

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