The anxiety never stops. It gets better but it seems to never stop. Changing her trach ties when she pukes on them is a traumatic event every time not only for her but for me as well. She hates her neck being touched. She’ll cry and scream and do anything to get away from you which could end up with her decannulating herself which makes the situation even that much more complicated. Luckily I got the ties on and her settled down without to much a do. Except for me sobbing and her sobbing at the same time. Though she stopped crying when I did and started laughing which might mean she’s slightly evil.
I went out to the garage and punched the door out of frustration, which wasn’t a great idea because my arm really hurts now. I can’t wait until my punching bag comes tomorrow!
Anyhow I’ve been spending some time on the Glow Baby App and this lady was asking if anyone else had NICU anxiety and I decided to respond and tell a short version of our story. I hope it helps her because I literally go out of my way to not pass the hospital she was in for so long. Unfortunately that is where my shrink’s office is so every other month I get to visit the one place I hate being with all my heart.
I’ve already made the decision to not having any more children because I honestly don’t believe I could survive another NICU stay or at worst losing another child because of my shitty cervix. Not to mention I know Mike couldn’t survive having another baby that could end up in the NICU. It was a hard stay and he already has some trouble accepting that we don’t have the typical baby. I’m not saying he’s a bad dad or even ashamed of Katie just the last 16 months have worn him down and he’s having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. He’s been great with the OT lady and has been trying to learn how to feed Katie without her throwing up on him. 🙂
On a lighter note we’ve been watching “Avatar the last airbender” cartoon series and she seems to be enjoying it. Also I got my new rain boots today so yay today wasn’t all that bad.