Maybe it’s just me or maybe it’s how I was raised, moving from place to place and being in 13 different schools before graduating, but I have a hard time making and keeping friends. They all have expiration dates. The only friend I don’t feel that way about is someone I’ve had the pleasure of knowing for over 20 years. Somehow through all the moves and distant we’ve been able to always be there for each other and I am thankful for that.
Being isolated as I am, with a toddler on a ventilator (which she’s really really close to being off of it full time), I have lost more friends and gained a few but no one I can really connect with yet. When she was in the NICU there were so many people that swore up and down they would be there for us but by the time she came home that quickly and distressingly changed. Since I’m a stay at home mom and Katie still have to be in germ free areas, I barely get out and see anyone. Yes I see all her doctors, therapists, and nurses but it’s not the same. I don’t see my friends very often unless I go to them and most of the time it’s damn near impossible to get a hold of them. It makes it really hard for me to cope sometimes because I’ll be honest I feel lonely. My husband can only amuse me so much and he’s wrapped up in his own stuff which I imagine will take him a long time to come back to himself, so even when we are in the same room I’m still alone. I know with time he will get better and we can actually be like a normal couple again but for the time being it’s just me and Katie.
I wish most of my friends didn’t live so far away or were able to answer their phones when I call because sometimes I feel like if I don’t talk to someone I’m going to lose my mind. I think that’s the main reason I started blogging. I could no longer stand just talking to myself in my head. At least I don’t answer back yet so that’s a plus. But to get to the point of this post is this: it kills me inside to know that I have little to no one to depend upon and that I have to do all the work to maintain any relationships I have and I’m sick and tired of it. I’m angry and frustrated because at one point I was positive I would have the mental support to get through this hellish ride I’ve been on for almost two years and to find out that I was wrong is just devastating. I’m not sure how to end this post so I’ll just say this, I’m not looking for pity or anything of the sort, I just needed to get this out before I just start screaming. Sorry to leave on an unhappy note but the good thing is the next one will be full of pictures of Katie playing with bubbles for the first time. So I may be disappointed with the people in my life but at least today for the most part has been a lovely day and what more could I possibly ask for.