First off I’d like to say I love my mother. She’s made her mistakes and she definitely tries her best and is trying to be a better person.
When I was 8 years old my bio dad walked back into my life after four years of not being there. (that is a very long story and this is long as is) This is where it all started. For the next 3 almost 4 years they fought for custody of me and it was ugly for everyone. They both were so busy bashing each other that they didn’t take a moment to realize what they were doing to their own child. When I was almost 12 the judge gave me the decision on who I wanted to go live with and I chose my dad over my mom. Which to this day I’m positive she hasn’t forgiven me for. Reason I think this is because she’ll occasionally over the years mention very bitterly how I chose him over her. She’s never given me the chance to tell her why.
Today I was on the phone with her and she brought up the custody battle and how angry she was that the court made us go to a psychotherapist. The reasoning from the courts was because I stopped talking and became very withdrawn and they wanted to get to the bottom over it or at least that’s what the shrink told me. I remember hating the sessions all the intrusive questions, questions of abuse etc etc.
Anyhow I digress, her bringing this up reminded me of all the times I was pitted in the middle between them. Somewhere I should have never been. I wanted to tell her why I chose him over her but she just talked over me and threatened to hang up on me. Which I find disrespectful and unfair. How can someone bring up a topic and the moment the other person wants to talk about it they just ignore them and threaten to hang up.
I spoke with my husband and he said something that I think might be right. That she didn’t want to hear what I had to say because it’s too painful for her because she doesn’t like the person she was and doesn’t want to be reminded of who she was and that maybe she still doesn’t like who she is. So instead of facing it she’s figuratively sticking her head in the sand while singing la la la la.
So instead I tell the internet what I wanted to tell her.
I didn’t choose him over you because he was the better parent. I chose him because I wanted to stop the fighting and wanted to be a normal kid without my parents tearing each other to pieces in front of me. I was sick and tired of being a chess piece on the board. I chose him because he didn’t have rules where you did and I was 11 and wanted to do what I wanted to do. Most of all I chose him because I knew I could have a normal life because he wasn’t interested in actually raising me and he would pawn me off on his parents which was my best chance at having a good normal life.
Which just in case anyone was wondering I made the right choice. My grandparents raised me well and raised me to be compassionate, giving and loving. They taught me my love for reading and having an endless curiosity. They gave me all the love a young girl could ever hope for and most of all they gave me what I really really wanted and needed, a normal life.