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A series of terrible events

William Lynn 5.1.12-5.1.12/Pregnancy Loss

THIS IS GOING TO RUN INTO TMI TERRITORY AND YOU MAY GET GROSSED OUT FAIR WARNING READ AT YOUR OWN MENTAL EXPENSE. This is extremely long!!!
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I’m Samantha and I am a survivor of a few pregnancy losses, this is just some of the story.
This month is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month as well as it’s also Breast Cancer Awareness Month and this is the first time both of these matter personally to me.
For those that already know I’m sorry for the rehash but I’m trying my best to be open and honest about something that is real and that happens more often than one would think. There are millions of women and families out there going through the trauma of a miscarriage, stillbirth, or losing their baby before they had a chance to cut their first tooth that are suffering because they feel alone. When in reality they are in an ocean of other women who also feel alone. It’s only when it happens to you personally do you realize how many people are in the same boat as you and it’s up to us to spread the word that yes this happens, yes this sucks but we will persevere and spread the word so more women and families realize we are here in the same boots and able to help them get through what I’d like to liken to hell because it is a form of hell.
Whether you lose a baby in utero at 6 weeks, 8 weeks, 14 weeks, 20 weeks, at birth or months after birth it is a form of hell because you have all these plans for these babies that will never come to fruition and it’s painful like someone is tearing out your soul. All those plans on what the baby’s room goes up in smoke, all the plans of going apple picking with them when they are older are gone. You end feeling at a lost of what to do and no one says the right things to you because there aren’t any right words for situations like ours. You do however learn who will stick by your side no matter what. It’s not uncommon in these situations for relationships to fall apart including marriages but the relationships and marriage that get through it make it through so much stronger.
Now me personally, I feel like I’ve had it pretty terrible when it comes to pregnancy and the loses that have happen.
In the last 6 years alone we were unlucky to lose the first one at 12 weeks and not find out until we went in for the ultrasound and the baby had no heartbeat, that was a terrible moment compounded by taking medication to make it come out. I ended giving birth in my bathroom and it was just horrifyingly horrible and still haunts me to this day, I’ll cringe if I think about it and I have nightmares about it 6 years later. But they said well this just happens and I was told to give my body time to get pregnant again. This was March of 2011. We tried and we tried and we tried to conceive and I would cry every time my period arrived because it felt like another failure.
Then FINALLY in December of 2011 we finally were pregnant again, the pregnancy ran smoothly even though I hate pregnancy but on the night of April 30th I knew something was wrong and contacted my doctor because I was having contractions and my back really hurt and she kind of just brushed me off so I tried to get some sleep but by 6am on May 1st 2012 the pain was so bad, I called the OB back and was told to go to the ER. I wake Mike up who barely had slept at all and we went off to the ER. They put us in an observation room and they do an ultrasound on the tummy turns out it’s a boy. Anyhow anyone that knows me knows I have always wanted a boy so that was exciting for all of a second before they told me his foot was hanging outside my cervix. I felt myself go numb because I knew in that moment it was over almost 20 weeks of carrying this child and I knew I was going to lose him. Poof went the ideas for his nursery (Mario Bros theme) poof went a life together, poof all the clothing I’ve already bought for this child who was not going to last the night. So I was admitted into the Maternity room and got to listen to doctor after doctor say oh it will be okay and maybe you won’t go into birth today and we can get him back inside and fix this. But I knew it was unfixable and only when the specialist came in did I get that confirmed by now it was the afternoon and he was the only one to tell me the truth which I appreciated. “You will have this baby in the next hour, he most likely won’t come out alive” Brutal it seems to some but he put my mind at ease. I’m a planner and false glimmers of hope do not sit well with me. During this time Mike was occasionally leaving the room to get some air and tell family what was going down. When the specialist left, I looked over at him and said very blankly well now we know and I could see him screaming on the inside so he excused himself and went out to our car and smoked a cigarettes and beat the roof of our car and then did the second round of calls to tell family what was happening with us.
In the afternoon of May 1st 2012 the labor began, Mike was back in the room with me and at first I didn’t want to see this poor baby that wasn’t going to come out breathing, but the birth was quick and I want to say his birth time was 3:31 but I’d have to check the certificate but most likely I won’t I avoid looking at that unless I absolutely have to. Surprisingly he came out not only alive but breathing as well but I knew with out current medical tech. there was nothing to do to save him and I didn’t want to hold him, hell I didn’t even want to be here anymore. After a half hour of the nurses holding him, I asked to hold him. He was so tiny only 9 ounces big and his skin had a reddish tone to it and his eyes were closed but the eyelids were semi-translucent so I could tell he had dark eyes. Possibly my eyes but I’ll never know because he never opened them. I held him until he took his last breath and the one thing that I think about now 5 years later is how painful each one of those breathes had to have been and almost wish he had come out not breathing. They took him out of my arms shortly after he passed and his skin started feeling slightly cold and put him in a basket and left us alone to grieve our tremendous loss. We decided to name him William Lynn because he lived long enough to get a birth certificate. William for his father but really for a deeper reason, the grievance counselor came in to speak with us and said “He had a strong will to live” So that’s where William really comes from, I never call him William, he’s always Will to me. Lynn was my grandpa’s middle name and it seemed fitting seeing we had lost him in January of 2012, that our son should carry my grandfather who has always been like an actual father to me in honor of both of their memories.
We finally got to go home at 10pm that night because I refused to stay overnight in the same room where our son was born, held and died in the course of only a few hours and we cried. We spent the weekend in Ann Arbor it was supposed to be our honeymoon but it was a disaster, the room was shit, their was gum on the wall, wifi sucked, the toilet overflowed and whenever you started up the Jacuzzi it sounded like you were starting up a lawn mower but I found it all hilarious because really we have already been through so much that the room sucking just made me giggle my butt off. Even the bed sucked lol except one section the middle of the bed so we would spend the day doing things as long as I could and come back and cuddle up together in the middle of the bed, the only comfortable part of the bed feeling like this can’t be real. This isn’t reality. Any moment we will wake up and this will have been a nightmare and I’d be still pregnant with our much wanted son. But life isn’t always kind and instead of it all being a dream it became a part of who we are. We had to have him cremated, his ashes sit in a chest I bought and stained myself along with his little hat, with his special bear and with his pictures which I may add to this post. I have a difficult time facing this and I don’t think there will be a time where it’s easier. But hanging off my necklace is a pendant that says “William” from my friend Carley that I wear every single day of my life and his tiny blue bear the hospital gave us I carry in my purse every day. I’m not religious but I throw away my disbelief long enough to believe my granny, grandpa, and Mike’s grandparents are watching over this much loved baby who I miss every day of my life and as I’ve said this before his death did serve a purpose because after so many loses I finally had a diagnosis that ensured Katie’s survival. So thank you Will for making sure your sister could stay inside long enough to have a fighting chance at life and thank you for being here with us even if it was such a short amount of time. I’m sorry you didn’t live, I’m sorry I’ll never see you grow up and I’m sorry I’ll never know what color your eyes would have been.
This will always hurt it will just hurt a little less every year. Every year on the anniversary of his birth and death I’m a wreck and I sob and that’s okay because it happened and it sucked. My whole point is that I guarantee their our parents right now suffering a loss that happened whether it was years ago or last week and they have a hole in their heart and I just want to say, I know where you are and I see you.
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Listen and you will hear

First off I’d like to say I love my mother. She’s made her mistakes and she definitely tries her best and is trying to be a better person.

When I was 8 years old my bio dad walked back into my life after four years of not being there. (that is a very long story and this is long as is) This is where it all started. For the next 3 almost 4 years they fought for custody of me and it was ugly for everyone. They both were so busy bashing each other that they didn’t take a moment to realize what they were doing to their own child. When I was almost 12 the judge gave me the decision on who I wanted to go live with and I chose my dad over my mom. Which to this day I’m positive she hasn’t forgiven me for. Reason I think this is because she’ll occasionally over the years mention very bitterly how I chose him over her. She’s never given me the chance to tell her why.

Today I was on the phone with her and she brought up the custody battle and how angry she was that the court made us go to a psychotherapist. The reasoning from the courts was because I stopped talking and became very withdrawn and they wanted to get to the bottom over it or at least that’s what the shrink told me. I remember hating the sessions all the intrusive questions, questions of abuse etc etc.

Anyhow I digress, her bringing this up reminded me of all the times I was pitted in the middle between them. Somewhere I should have never been. I wanted to tell her why I chose him over her but she just talked over me and threatened to hang up on me. Which I find disrespectful and unfair. How can someone bring up a topic and the moment the other person wants to talk about it they just ignore them and threaten to hang up.

I spoke with my husband and he said something that I think might be right. That she didn’t want to hear what I had to say because it’s too painful for her because she doesn’t like the person she was and doesn’t want to be reminded of who she was and that maybe she still doesn’t like who she is. So instead of facing it she’s figuratively sticking her head in the sand while singing la la la la.

So instead I tell the internet what I wanted to tell her.

I didn’t choose him over you because he was the better parent. I chose him because I wanted to stop the fighting and wanted to be a normal kid without my parents tearing each other to pieces in front of me. I was sick and tired of being a chess piece on the board. I chose him because he didn’t have rules where you did and I was 11 and wanted to do what I wanted to do. Most of all I chose him because I knew I could have a normal life because he wasn’t interested in actually raising me and he would pawn me off on his parents which was my best chance at having a good normal life. 

"I don't care which parent I get as long as it's the same one that gets the Playstation."
Making light of a serious situation

Which just in case anyone was wondering I made the right choice. My grandparents raised me well and raised me to be compassionate, giving and loving. They taught me my love for reading and having an endless curiosity. They gave me all the love a young girl could ever hope for and most of all they gave me what I really really wanted and needed, a normal life.

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Rehashing something best forgotten

It’s not often I run across someone online that is going through a situation I’ve personally gone through in my youth but today I ran across something that really made me furious. This poor young man who is only 17 years old mother quite literally packed up all her stuff including her mattress while he wasn’t at home and left him. He’s a senior in high school and she just left him. He explained that drugs were involved and my heart just is breaking for this poor young man.

I’ve been in his situation where you come home from school and find that your parent has just left with no thought of how you, a 17 year old is supposed to survive without a car, job, a parent, or food. I dropped out of school for a month because that’s how long it took me to get the courage to actually get a hold of my other parent to come get me. At the time my mom and I weren’t on good terms and I didn’t want to go live with her because of things that had happened the previous summer. I was desperate by the time I called her. The landlady was about to throw me out of the house, even knowing the situation I was in, and I can’t really be too mad at that old lady. Though thinking back she should have tried to help me. Anyhow my mother came and got me and was shocked at the state of me. I was 88lbs and was pretty much dying from starvation. I’m 5’3 and on my frame 88lbs makes me look like a skeleton with a bobble head.

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Like this except female and not gold covered.

It took my body two years to get back to somewhat normal. I had borderline ulcers from not eating. When I came back to my mom’s and was able to eat I’d throw everything up because my system wasn’t used to food anymore. I spent two years on multiple medications to fix the issues that my father caused. My mind was a mess and I was on heavy medication for anxiety and pain medication. Every part of my system was in shock. In my mind til this day I believe my father tried to kill me and almost succeeded. I’ve been pretty much no contact with him for years but his story is that I decided to stay there to marry my boyfriend at the time which is utter bullshit because anyone that knows me knows that I never wanted to get married. At least until I met my husband. I remember telling friends I was engaged and their shock that I of all people were going to get married.

I don’t talk about this part of my life because I believe it’s better left in the past and I’ve let go the hate and anger years ago mostly. The only thing that has always stuck with me is why? There were people that would have been happy to have me with them. My grandparents, my mom, my uncle, anyone really. I was a good kid and didn’t deserve to have that happen to me. Now that I’m a mother, I look at my precious little girl and wonder how anyone could ever do the things he did to someone that is so innocent, someone that you made.

I decided to add him as a Facebook friend so he can see he has a grand-daughter because that’s what my grandparents (who raised me pretty much all my life) would want of me. They both are gone now, which I wish they would have been around long enough to see this darling superhero of a girl I have.  So now I’m faced with a choice, do I honor my grandparents memory or cut him completely out of my life again. I’m torn because my grandparents were amazing people but reading about someone that has gone through what I’ve gone through makes my blood boil and I feel like I’m out for blood at the moment. His blood of course. A big part of me wants to tear him down, show the world who he really is instead of the cunning charming man he presents himself to be. I’ve seen him tear multiple people mentally apart. My mother alone has never recovered from being married to him over 20 years later. How can I still honor my grandparents wish when this man has destroyed every woman I hold dear.

 

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