First off I’d like to say I love my mother. She’s made her mistakes and she definitely tries her best and is trying to be a better person.
When I was 8 years old my bio dad walked back into my life after four years of not being there. (that is a very long story and this is long as is) This is where it all started. For the next 3 almost 4 years they fought for custody of me and it was ugly for everyone. They both were so busy bashing each other that they didn’t take a moment to realize what they were doing to their own child. When I was almost 12 the judge gave me the decision on who I wanted to go live with and I chose my dad over my mom. Which to this day I’m positive she hasn’t forgiven me for. Reason I think this is because she’ll occasionally over the years mention very bitterly how I chose him over her. She’s never given me the chance to tell her why.
Today I was on the phone with her and she brought up the custody battle and how angry she was that the court made us go to a psychotherapist. The reasoning from the courts was because I stopped talking and became very withdrawn and they wanted to get to the bottom over it or at least that’s what the shrink told me. I remember hating the sessions all the intrusive questions, questions of abuse etc etc.
Anyhow I digress, her bringing this up reminded me of all the times I was pitted in the middle between them. Somewhere I should have never been. I wanted to tell her why I chose him over her but she just talked over me and threatened to hang up on me. Which I find disrespectful and unfair. How can someone bring up a topic and the moment the other person wants to talk about it they just ignore them and threaten to hang up.
I spoke with my husband and he said something that I think might be right. That she didn’t want to hear what I had to say because it’s too painful for her because she doesn’t like the person she was and doesn’t want to be reminded of who she was and that maybe she still doesn’t like who she is. So instead of facing it she’s figuratively sticking her head in the sand while singing la la la la.
So instead I tell the internet what I wanted to tell her.
I didn’t choose him over you because he was the better parent. I chose him because I wanted to stop the fighting and wanted to be a normal kid without my parents tearing each other to pieces in front of me. I was sick and tired of being a chess piece on the board. I chose him because he didn’t have rules where you did and I was 11 and wanted to do what I wanted to do. Most of all I chose him because I knew I could have a normal life because he wasn’t interested in actually raising me and he would pawn me off on his parents which was my best chance at having a good normal life.
Which just in case anyone was wondering I made the right choice. My grandparents raised me well and raised me to be compassionate, giving and loving. They taught me my love for reading and having an endless curiosity. They gave me all the love a young girl could ever hope for and most of all they gave me what I really really wanted and needed, a normal life.
It’s not often I run across someone online that is going through a situation I’ve personally gone through in my youth but today I ran across something that really made me furious. This poor young man who is only 17 years old mother quite literally packed up all her stuff including her mattress while he wasn’t at home and left him. He’s a senior in high school and she just left him. He explained that drugs were involved and my heart just is breaking for this poor young man.
I’ve been in his situation where you come home from school and find that your parent has just left with no thought of how you, a 17 year old is supposed to survive without a car, job, a parent, or food. I dropped out of school for a month because that’s how long it took me to get the courage to actually get a hold of my other parent to come get me. At the time my mom and I weren’t on good terms and I didn’t want to go live with her because of things that had happened the previous summer. I was desperate by the time I called her. The landlady was about to throw me out of the house, even knowing the situation I was in, and I can’t really be too mad at that old lady. Though thinking back she should have tried to help me. Anyhow my mother came and got me and was shocked at the state of me. I was 88lbs and was pretty much dying from starvation. I’m 5’3 and on my frame 88lbs makes me look like a skeleton with a bobble head.
It took my body two years to get back to somewhat normal. I had borderline ulcers from not eating. When I came back to my mom’s and was able to eat I’d throw everything up because my system wasn’t used to food anymore. I spent two years on multiple medications to fix the issues that my father caused. My mind was a mess and I was on heavy medication for anxiety and pain medication. Every part of my system was in shock. In my mind til this day I believe my father tried to kill me and almost succeeded. I’ve been pretty much no contact with him for years but his story is that I decided to stay there to marry my boyfriend at the time which is utter bullshit because anyone that knows me knows that I never wanted to get married. At least until I met my husband. I remember telling friends I was engaged and their shock that I of all people were going to get married.
I don’t talk about this part of my life because I believe it’s better left in the past and I’ve let go the hate and anger years ago mostly. The only thing that has always stuck with me is why? There were people that would have been happy to have me with them. My grandparents, my mom, my uncle, anyone really. I was a good kid and didn’t deserve to have that happen to me. Now that I’m a mother, I look at my precious little girl and wonder how anyone could ever do the things he did to someone that is so innocent, someone that you made.
I decided to add him as a Facebook friend so he can see he has a grand-daughter because that’s what my grandparents (who raised me pretty much all my life) would want of me. They both are gone now, which I wish they would have been around long enough to see this darling superhero of a girl I have. So now I’m faced with a choice, do I honor my grandparents memory or cut him completely out of my life again. I’m torn because my grandparents were amazing people but reading about someone that has gone through what I’ve gone through makes my blood boil and I feel like I’m out for blood at the moment. His blood of course. A big part of me wants to tear him down, show the world who he really is instead of the cunning charming man he presents himself to be. I’ve seen him tear multiple people mentally apart. My mother alone has never recovered from being married to him over 20 years later. How can I still honor my grandparents wish when this man has destroyed every woman I hold dear.