eekk everyone has germs!


Complaints about whatever

I was doing so well

My god do I ever hate depression. I was doing so well for so long, I was off the depression meds for over a year then out of nowhere “hello darkness my old friend”. So now I’m waiting the 4-6 weeks for it to fully kick in and just having a hell of a day. It probably doesn’t help that I’ve forgotten to take my PTSD medication for the last few days. Nothing bad has happened. My daughter is being an absolute angel, the dog isn’t being annoying, and my husband is fine doing what he normally does playing video games. However I can just feel the anger and hate flow right out around me just coloring an otherwise beautiful spring day to just grey. If I had to sum up how I feel right at the moment it would be, I hate everything and everyone.

My husband tries to cheer me up and I just want to punch him in the face but then I also now if he didn’t try to cheer me up I’d still want to punch him in the face. By the way I have never punched anyone in the face, thought about it oh god yeah actually done it never. Currently the only person I don’t personally hate, is our daughter. Which I guess is progress but everyone else…..I want to give the middle finger salute. Whatever, fuck this day and fuck everything else too. Tomorrow will be another day and blah blah blah.


Depression and PTSD definitely do not mix well….Fuck the Emperor as well! 

Looking towards tomorrow

It’s three days after the most volatile election in my lifetime. We all saw something that most of us haven’t seen in our lifetime. A election filled with hate and negativity. Now I know that in every election there is always mud throwing contests but this one was different on many fundamental levels. We finally have concrete proof on how divide a country we live in.

One half of the nation is against the other half and that makes me sad. Not because who was elected but what it means for us as a country. How did we get to this point where we cannot have a civil conversation about politics? What does it say about us as a nation where everyone wants to point their fingers at another and blame whomever does not agree with us? But mainly how do we fix this?

I don’t know the right answers and I’m sure many feel the same way. No matter what side of the argument you are on and I think we can all agree we need to start uniting instead of furthering the divide that is happening in our country. So how about starting today we start loving one another instead of fighting. Compromising with each other rather than blocking each other at every turn. I believe in us, I believe this is an attainable task and I believe in the future of this country, not only for me but for the next generations. What we do today will echo throughout history and lets leave the future a more beautiful place for our descendants. They deserve a better more united world and we should start today to make sure that is exactly what they get.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend and just remember love is always the answer.


Friendships sometimes have expiration dates…..

Maybe it’s just me or maybe it’s how I was raised, moving from place to place and being in 13 different schools before graduating, but I have a hard time making and keeping friends. They all have expiration dates. The only friend I don’t feel that way about is someone I’ve had the pleasure of knowing for over 20 years. Somehow through all the moves and distant we’ve been able to always be there for each other and I am thankful for that.

Being isolated as I am, with a toddler on a ventilator (which she’s really really close to being off of it full time), I have lost more friends and gained a few but no one I can really connect with yet. When she was in the NICU there were so many people that swore up and down they would be there for us but by the time she came home that quickly and distressingly changed. Since I’m a stay at home mom and Katie still have to be in germ free areas, I barely get out and see anyone. Yes I see all her doctors, therapists, and nurses but it’s not the same. I don’t see my friends very often unless I go to them and most of the time it’s damn near impossible to get a hold of them. It makes it really hard for me to cope sometimes because I’ll be honest I feel lonely. My husband can only amuse me so much and he’s wrapped up in his own stuff which I imagine will take him a long time to come back to himself, so even when we are in the same room I’m still alone. I know with time he will get better and we can actually be like a normal couple again but for the time being it’s just me and Katie.

I wish most of my friends didn’t live so far away or were able to answer their phones when I call because sometimes I feel like if I don’t talk to someone I’m going to lose my mind. I think that’s the main reason I started blogging. I could no longer stand just talking to myself in my head. At least I don’t answer back yet so that’s a plus. But to get to the point of this post is this: it kills me inside to know that I have little to no one to depend upon and that I have to do all the work to maintain any relationships I have and I’m sick and tired of it. I’m angry and frustrated because at one point I was positive I would have the mental support to get through this hellish ride I’ve been on for almost two years and to find out that I was wrong is just devastating. I’m not sure how to end this post so I’ll just say this, I’m not looking for pity or anything of the sort, I just needed to get this out before I just start screaming. Sorry to leave on an unhappy note but the good thing is the next one will be full of pictures of Katie playing with bubbles for the first time. So I may be disappointed with the people in my life but at least today for the most part has been a lovely day and what more could I possibly ask for.

The minions movie make no damn sense

So being a stay at home mom of a almost two year old, I am now subjected to horrible kid shows. Katie fell in love with the minions movie much to my chagrin. Luckily it keeps her calm while she’s getting her G-tube feedings or else I’d probably pull out my hair. I have now seen this movie more times then I can count and can quote the movie word for word at this point. So here are some observations I’ve noticed after my millionth time of seeing it.

  SPOILERS AHEAD FAIR WARNING!!!!!!!!!! Also some cussing!




So the movie starts off and they eventually meet humans. They go from caveman to Pharaohs to Count Dracula to finally Napoleon. Now here’s were it gets a little messy geographically. They show them with Napoleon in the snow, if you know history this must be Russia right? So anyhow they mess up get chased away by the soldiers and go live in an ice cave. Okay so they have to be in Siberia or in the Arctic. blah blah blah 3 decide to leave the cave to find a villain to work for they end up at the sea and row their way to NYC. blah blah blah 30 minutes later the tribe decide to meet up with our titular minions in England. According to IMDB the minons were in Antarctica. WHAT!?! HOW! There is no polar bears in Antarctica NONE.  So they run away from the polar bear end up on an ice floe to be greeted by grizzly bears on the other side. (for this to make sense they had to be in the arctic because that’s were polar bears live and rowed across to Alaska) anyhow no instead they end up in Sydney, Australia (I imagine by magic) travel across Australia and go to India (don’t get me started on that one) to the USA then on a plane to get to England. WHAT KIND OF FUCKERY IS THIS. My husband says I’m looking too much into this and I agree but you’re telling me not ONE of the people working on this movie ever looked at a globe and didn’t realize that the minions way of travel makes no sense. NO ONE. I want to strangle the people who made this movie. Also how can they wear overalls when they don’t have shoulders.


Rant over now I’ll go back to watching those yellow tic tac a-holes again to appease the baby.



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