This is a saying I say a lot because I think it’s true, your past does not define your present or future. Yes you are who you are because of your past experiences but letting your past hold you down makes you miss out on the present and on the future. How can you move ahead if you are letting your past haunt you? I know plenty of adults that love to blame their childhood for the shitty things or decisions they make or do and to that I say bullshit. You always have a choice, always. You can choose to continue down the path you are currently taking or you can change directions.
I grew up with a not so awesome background and though I don’t like it and I don’t like what my family did or does, I didn’t let them define me. I looked at them and thought “I don’t want to be like them” so I didn’t. I made my own path and became my own person early on and I’m always slightly taken aback when someone says that this is amazing and so hard to do because to me it wasn’t. I didn’t want to be like them so I choose not to be, that’s it. I didn’t have to work at it, I just looked at the people around me and learned from their mistakes instead of making my own. By no means does that mean I think I’m perfect, I’m not, I’m wonderfully flawed like any other person. I’ve made my mistakes in life and I’ve paid for them in spades. I’ve fallen and picked myself back up again and luckily once I make a mistake I make damn sure I don’t make it again.
My life isn’t perfect and it sure isn’t easy and sometimes it’s down right just hard but it is what is it and I love who I’ve grown into. So, what I say to you whomever reads this, I know life sucks sometimes and maybe you are currently going through something difficult but you will make it through and you are wonderful. You don’t need to be perfect, it’s okay to be wonderfully flawed because that’s what makes you you. Only you defines you, not your past, not your significant others, your children, your family, only you and that’s a beautiful thing and if you currently don’t like who you are or what situation you are in, all it takes is one step in the right direction followed by more steps. I sincerely hope you all are doing well and just know even though we don’t know each other, I personally love you for who you are and who you will become.
Today marks the 2nd anniversary of you coming home from your 225 day stay in NICU and I wanted to take a moment today to write a letter to you that I hope I expand on every year until you’re old enough to give them all to you.
I hope I have been a good mom to you and if I have messed up hopefully it was nothing major and just small things like making you mad because I wouldn’t let you go to a party or something like that. I really hope I do right by you and the reason I’m writing this letter is to tell you how much I love you and how proud I am of you. By now you’ve probably heard many stories about your NICU stay and the struggles during your baby/toddler years and maybe you have some memories of outpatient therapists or specialists or maybe you don’t. Right now I’m not sure where the road is leading us but I do know I am so proud of everything you do.
I’ve loved you and been proud of you since the day you were born and I know I definitely loved you from the moment I knew of your existence. I’m sure we won’t always see eye to eye but please know that every moment of your life I have cherished. You have always been wanted and always been loved. I will always be proud of you and love you no matter what. You have been through so much at such a young age and in such a short time and I can’t imagine loving anyone as much as I love you. Every new thing you do thrills me even if it’s something as simple as a smile or one step forward or one word spoken. We are incredibly lucky to have such an amazing daughter and I don’t know right now who you are going to turn out to be or where your road in life will take you but I do know no matter what, I will always love you for who you are. Your dad jokes he will disown you if you go to OSU but don’t worry he’s just joking because you’re amazing and you have both of us wrapped around your finger.
I’m really hoping that we don’t end up with a pony in the backyard and I hope we give you the space and room you need to grow and thrive and find yourself. I really hope I’m not too overprotective and let you be you and not wrap you up in bubble wrap to keep you safe and I really hope you are proud of me too. Because you are literally the best thing I have ever done in my entire life and I really really hope I haven’t let you down. I love you so much Katie and I’m sure I don’t show it enough but I hope I tell you how much I love you and how proud I am of who you have grown into. Katie, you have made my life such a joy and I hope I do the same for you in return.
I hope to keep this up writing you letters every year on this day and you already know about the many holiday cards I’ve written in by now and of course the hand written journals that talk about your childhood. You have your blanket over your head right now so I need to go take that off your head. I love you Katie and always will.
My god do I ever hate depression. I was doing so well for so long, I was off the depression meds for over a year then out of nowhere “hello darkness my old friend”. So now I’m waiting the 4-6 weeks for it to fully kick in and just having a hell of a day. It probably doesn’t help that I’ve forgotten to take my PTSD medication for the last few days. Nothing bad has happened. My daughter is being an absolute angel, the dog isn’t being annoying, and my husband is fine doing what he normally does playing video games. However I can just feel the anger and hate flow right out around me just coloring an otherwise beautiful spring day to just grey. If I had to sum up how I feel right at the moment it would be, I hate everything and everyone.
My husband tries to cheer me up and I just want to punch him in the face but then I also now if he didn’t try to cheer me up I’d still want to punch him in the face. By the way I have never punched anyone in the face, thought about it oh god yeah actually done it never. Currently the only person I don’t personally hate, is our daughter. Which I guess is progress but everyone else…..I want to give the middle finger salute. Whatever, fuck this day and fuck everything else too. Tomorrow will be another day and blah blah blah.
It’s three days after the most volatile election in my lifetime. We all saw something that most of us haven’t seen in our lifetime. A election filled with hate and negativity. Now I know that in every election there is always mud throwing contests but this one was different on many fundamental levels. We finally have concrete proof on how divide a country we live in.
One half of the nation is against the other half and that makes me sad. Not because who was elected but what it means for us as a country. How did we get to this point where we cannot have a civil conversation about politics? What does it say about us as a nation where everyone wants to point their fingers at another and blame whomever does not agree with us? But mainly how do we fix this?
I don’t know the right answers and I’m sure many feel the same way. No matter what side of the argument you are on and I think we can all agree we need to start uniting instead of furthering the divide that is happening in our country. So how about starting today we start loving one another instead of fighting. Compromising with each other rather than blocking each other at every turn. I believe in us, I believe this is an attainable task and I believe in the future of this country, not only for me but for the next generations. What we do today will echo throughout history and lets leave the future a more beautiful place for our descendants. They deserve a better more united world and we should start today to make sure that is exactly what they get.
I hope you all have a lovely weekend and just remember love is always the answer.
We all make mistakes. I’ve made plenty in my 32 years on this planet. Tiny mistakes, moderate mistakes and luckily only a few huge mistakes. I look back sometimes at the things I have done in my past and feel without those mistakes I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Do I regret the mistakes I’ve made? Sure, who doesn’t but it does no good to constantly dwell on the mistakes I’ve made. Instead I choose to occasionally look back and remind myself not to make the same mistakes again.
I don’t think of myself as a bad person but I’ve definitely have done bad things in my life. Nothing like murder or terrible like that but still I’m not perfect. Honestly I don’t want to be perfect. I don’t think it’s possible to be perfect and I’m not going to strive ever to be perfect. I just want to be the best person I can be.