eekk everyone has germs!



The last 20 days

The last 20 days of my life have been a series of emotions running throughout me.  I know I normally write about Katie and the struggles and triumphs of having a preemie with special needs but this one is just for me.

It all started the morning of September 11th 2017 when I had my very first mammogram 2 days prior to my 34th birthday and they found a lump in my left breast as you can imagine that’s very disconcerting when you are as young as I am and it started off a series of events that are still ongoing. They biopsied it on the 15th of September and came back as a benign tumor (which has a 1 in 10 chance for cancer) which my doctor failed to tell me for a month that it was benign he just kept saying most likely benign and I don’t know about you but if I were to tell you lets hang out there’s a 1 in 10 chance I won’t murder you, I imagine you’d be like that’s okay I’m going to stay home tonight.  So finally October 19th I’m told it’s definitely benign so I spent a month being stressed and worried for no reason.

Shortly after I schedule my consult with the plastic surgeon to perform the breast reduction I’ve been needing/wanting for some time hence the mammogram in the first place. We set up a date for it. January 5th 2018, I’m thrilled but scared to go through such a major procedure that will take weeks/months to heal completely from but I just know it will make my life better.

How the reduction was done. 

So the day comes and it’s the morning of the 5th and my mom is with me while my hubs watches Katie, it’s an overnight stay and I know I’m in good hands. I see the breast surgeon who is removing the tumor I mentioned above (the put a wire in it and I felt like one of those old movie sets with the bunny ears), the plastic surgeon who draws all over me and the anesthesiologist who happens to be our pediatrician’s brother in law (small world)!! They give me the medication and the last thing I remember is someone saying “breath in this oxygen”. I wake up hours later and in pain but it’s done. The GG’s are gone and I look down and feel like he took them all off. The hospital stay was mostly uneventful other than I watched 5 hours of Futurama and a terrible movie called “The Wolfman” which I do not recommend. I came home Saturday afternoon, uncomfortable but bearable and spend pretty much all the weekend sleeping.

I go for my first follow up visit on the following Wednesday (the 10th) and low and behold I’m one of that 20 percent that end up with skin issues at the T junction so to me this is the worst decision I’ve ever made in my life and I’m despondent and can’t stop crying because my breasts look like Frankentits in my eyes. They give me wound care instructions and send me on my way. Then the 18th comes around the follow up with the breast surgeon who took out the tumor and it turns out I have ADH or atypical ductal hyperlasia. Which basically means my cells in my breasts are growing strange and have a chance to turn pre-cancerous that could turn into cancer. Awesome!!! I’m so thrilled to have the big C hanging over my head again in less than 6 months!!

ADH (atypical ductual hyperplasia

So now I have to set up an oncology appointment to discuss options at 34 years old. 34 YEARS OLD. I went straight pass denial and right into anger. I don’t know why life seems to want to break me but it’s doing it’s damnedest to. The appointment was today and I’m glad the hubs came with me because I would have classified myself as a “hostile” patient.  Like I said lots of anger and currently as it stands I have a 1 in 3 chance of developing breast cancer if I do nothing but if I take this medication called Tamoxicen it halves my chances to 1 in 6. So obviously I’ve been taken for a ride lately but we will come up with a plan.

My personal plan is to do the genetic testing and find out if I have a genetic mutation that puts me at an even higher risk, if so then I will in the next 5 years or so be getting a double mastectomy and implants. My hubs calls it boobie shopping lmao. If I don’t I will be taking this medication and be monitored yearly so we can catch things as they show up, if they show up. I’m not sure what life is going to throw at me next but I know I can handle it. Good news I lost 26 pounds only 5.5 was from the actual breast tissue removal….come on you know you were curious.

I share all this for two reasons; One I need to tell someone before I just randomly scratch out some poor person’s eyes in the grocery store and Two please for the love of god if your insurance will cover it please get checked. Get your mammogram even if you are under 40, it might just save your life and give you time to make a plan in case you end up in my shoes.


Thank you anyone who reads these, I know I’m terrible about updating and I’m trying to work on that. I hope nothing but great things for you!!!



Your past doesn’t define your future

This is a saying I say a lot because I think it’s true, your past does not define your present or future. Yes you are who you are because of your past experiences but letting your past hold you down makes you miss out on the present and on the future. How can you move ahead if you are letting your past haunt you? I know plenty of adults that love to blame their childhood for the shitty things or decisions they make or do and to that I say bullshit. You always have a choice, always. You can choose to continue down the path you are currently taking or you can change directions.

I grew up with a not so awesome background and though I don’t like it and I don’t like what my family did or does, I didn’t let them define me. I looked at them and thought “I don’t want to be like them” so I didn’t. I made my own path and became my own person early on and I’m always slightly taken aback when someone says that this is amazing and so hard to do because to me it wasn’t. I didn’t want to be like them so I choose not to be, that’s it. I didn’t have to work at it, I just looked at the people around me and learned from their mistakes instead of making my own. By no means does that mean I think I’m perfect, I’m not, I’m wonderfully flawed like any other person. I’ve made my mistakes in life and I’ve paid for them in spades. I’ve fallen and picked myself back up again and luckily once I make a mistake I make damn sure I don’t make it again.

My life isn’t perfect and it sure isn’t easy and sometimes it’s down right just hard but it is what is it and I love who I’ve grown into. So, what I say to you whomever reads this, I know life sucks sometimes and maybe you are currently going through something difficult but you will make it through and you are wonderful. You don’t need to be perfect, it’s okay to be wonderfully flawed because that’s what makes you you. Only you defines you, not your past, not your significant others, your children, your family, only you and that’s a beautiful thing and if you currently don’t like who you are or what situation you are in, all it takes is one step in the right direction followed by more steps. I sincerely hope you all are doing well and just know even though we don’t know each other, I personally love you for who you are and who you will become.



Scar Revision Success!

Talk to the hand daddy!

Success! However it was one of the most frustrating, irritating and annoying days of this year so far. We got stuck in traffic on the way there, her surgery was scheduled for 11:30am yesterday we arrived and found a parking spot and got into the hospital 10 minutes late because of the huge traffic jam and we left an hour and half before the surgery!!! Waited in the waiting room forever, they finally come back and grab us three to go to pre-op at about 1:30pm and then I made mention that I think her trach site had closed, which then prompts them to have to change the surgery plan because they were expecting to close the hole. So an misunderstanding happens between me and the man getting his face shoved in in the photo above because now it’s more of a cosemetic surgery isn’t necessary but we come to an understanding and decide to have the scar revision go through so we won’t have to do it when she’s older and can remember the surgery.

So I spent about an hour not talking to my other half but we both ended up apologizing to each others because we are adults and both were in the wrong. Meanwhile Katie’s in the OR and rocking it out and 45 minutes after the start we go in for the consulatation with the doctor who by the way is just amazing. I hugged her…twice and I don’t hug anyone other than Katie! Anyhow like I said the hole was closed which meant we did not have to stay the night which I was super glad about and we have one follow up and then ENT will be releasing her from their care! I’ll address that in a moment. She wakes up from sedation super pissed off because she’s in a strange room with a stranger and she sees me and grabs for me. I pick her up and there is still some wet blood at the site and then I had blood on me but I didn’t care because she was in my arms and even though she was screaming her head off, she was okay and fine.

Get the IV out of her hand, get her dressed, pop her in the stroller and we are off for our long walk to P5 parking lol (there was like no parking at C.S. Mott’s). Get her in the car and off her and I go……right into another traffic jam. Now here’s the thing every few minutes Katie is crying and I can’t do shit about it because well I’m on the freeway and need to drive so what is normally a 40 minute drive was an hour and 40 minutes of her crying off and on and me telling her “Katie soon we will be home and these cars will get out of my way” which well they didn’t lol but we got home a little after 5pm and I put her in her high chair put on some “Sarah and Duck” and she was just as happy as a clam. Got to finally feed her for the first time that day and she just was so chill all night. She stayed up later than normal but once she fell asleep she was out for the night and I only had to give her Tyenol twice. Which while I write this the little miss is napping.

This morning I woke up to even louder babbling and I go into her room and she gives me this huge smile and we get our day started and she’s acting like nothing has happened. She hasn’t been messing with the site so far so thank god for that and she’s just so happy and it warms my heart.

On the follow up appointment I was talking about earlier I want to say something seperate for it. Since April 21st 2015 we have been dealing with her having a trach, being attached to a ventilator, having home nurses, no privacy, more than our fair share of doctors appointments, RSV shots, trach changes, suctioning, two emergency trach changes, one time having to use the ambubag to get the mucus plug out, the weaning off oxygen, weaning off the breathe rate, weaning off the pressure, weaned off the vent completely, her wearing a HME (humidity moisture exchange valve), capped off, decannulation, and finally the scar revision. The best part of the follow up appointment (July 20th) is this it will finally close the chapter on the whole trach saga. All the stress, all the worries, all the invasive tests and procedures and my god it’s been tiring but so damn worth every moment.

To anyone and everyone that ever reads this, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read about my little miss and if you are currently going through anything trach related or preemie related please don’t hestitate to send me a message or ask questions because I’d be more than happy to help anyone on this road. It’s rocky and unsteady but don’t worry everyone in the preemie community will catch you when you fall. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

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