eekk everyone has germs!


Random crap

The last 20 days

The last 20 days of my life have been a series of emotions running throughout me.  I know I normally write about Katie and the struggles and triumphs of having a preemie with special needs but this one is just for me.

It all started the morning of September 11th 2017 when I had my very first mammogram 2 days prior to my 34th birthday and they found a lump in my left breast as you can imagine that’s very disconcerting when you are as young as I am and it started off a series of events that are still ongoing. They biopsied it on the 15th of September and came back as a benign tumor (which has a 1 in 10 chance for cancer) which my doctor failed to tell me for a month that it was benign he just kept saying most likely benign and I don’t know about you but if I were to tell you lets hang out there’s a 1 in 10 chance I won’t murder you, I imagine you’d be like that’s okay I’m going to stay home tonight.  So finally October 19th I’m told it’s definitely benign so I spent a month being stressed and worried for no reason.

Shortly after I schedule my consult with the plastic surgeon to perform the breast reduction I’ve been needing/wanting for some time hence the mammogram in the first place. We set up a date for it. January 5th 2018, I’m thrilled but scared to go through such a major procedure that will take weeks/months to heal completely from but I just know it will make my life better.

How the reduction was done. 

So the day comes and it’s the morning of the 5th and my mom is with me while my hubs watches Katie, it’s an overnight stay and I know I’m in good hands. I see the breast surgeon who is removing the tumor I mentioned above (the put a wire in it and I felt like one of those old movie sets with the bunny ears), the plastic surgeon who draws all over me and the anesthesiologist who happens to be our pediatrician’s brother in law (small world)!! They give me the medication and the last thing I remember is someone saying “breath in this oxygen”. I wake up hours later and in pain but it’s done. The GG’s are gone and I look down and feel like he took them all off. The hospital stay was mostly uneventful other than I watched 5 hours of Futurama and a terrible movie called “The Wolfman” which I do not recommend. I came home Saturday afternoon, uncomfortable but bearable and spend pretty much all the weekend sleeping.

I go for my first follow up visit on the following Wednesday (the 10th) and low and behold I’m one of that 20 percent that end up with skin issues at the T junction so to me this is the worst decision I’ve ever made in my life and I’m despondent and can’t stop crying because my breasts look like Frankentits in my eyes. They give me wound care instructions and send me on my way. Then the 18th comes around the follow up with the breast surgeon who took out the tumor and it turns out I have ADH or atypical ductal hyperlasia. Which basically means my cells in my breasts are growing strange and have a chance to turn pre-cancerous that could turn into cancer. Awesome!!! I’m so thrilled to have the big C hanging over my head again in less than 6 months!!

ADH (atypical ductual hyperplasia

So now I have to set up an oncology appointment to discuss options at 34 years old. 34 YEARS OLD. I went straight pass denial and right into anger. I don’t know why life seems to want to break me but it’s doing it’s damnedest to. The appointment was today and I’m glad the hubs came with me because I would have classified myself as a “hostile” patient.  Like I said lots of anger and currently as it stands I have a 1 in 3 chance of developing breast cancer if I do nothing but if I take this medication called Tamoxicen it halves my chances to 1 in 6. So obviously I’ve been taken for a ride lately but we will come up with a plan.

My personal plan is to do the genetic testing and find out if I have a genetic mutation that puts me at an even higher risk, if so then I will in the next 5 years or so be getting a double mastectomy and implants. My hubs calls it boobie shopping lmao. If I don’t I will be taking this medication and be monitored yearly so we can catch things as they show up, if they show up. I’m not sure what life is going to throw at me next but I know I can handle it. Good news I lost 26 pounds only 5.5 was from the actual breast tissue removal….come on you know you were curious.

I share all this for two reasons; One I need to tell someone before I just randomly scratch out some poor person’s eyes in the grocery store and Two please for the love of god if your insurance will cover it please get checked. Get your mammogram even if you are under 40, it might just save your life and give you time to make a plan in case you end up in my shoes.


Thank you anyone who reads these, I know I’m terrible about updating and I’m trying to work on that. I hope nothing but great things for you!!!



Your past doesn’t define your future

This is a saying I say a lot because I think it’s true, your past does not define your present or future. Yes you are who you are because of your past experiences but letting your past hold you down makes you miss out on the present and on the future. How can you move ahead if you are letting your past haunt you? I know plenty of adults that love to blame their childhood for the shitty things or decisions they make or do and to that I say bullshit. You always have a choice, always. You can choose to continue down the path you are currently taking or you can change directions.

I grew up with a not so awesome background and though I don’t like it and I don’t like what my family did or does, I didn’t let them define me. I looked at them and thought “I don’t want to be like them” so I didn’t. I made my own path and became my own person early on and I’m always slightly taken aback when someone says that this is amazing and so hard to do because to me it wasn’t. I didn’t want to be like them so I choose not to be, that’s it. I didn’t have to work at it, I just looked at the people around me and learned from their mistakes instead of making my own. By no means does that mean I think I’m perfect, I’m not, I’m wonderfully flawed like any other person. I’ve made my mistakes in life and I’ve paid for them in spades. I’ve fallen and picked myself back up again and luckily once I make a mistake I make damn sure I don’t make it again.

My life isn’t perfect and it sure isn’t easy and sometimes it’s down right just hard but it is what is it and I love who I’ve grown into. So, what I say to you whomever reads this, I know life sucks sometimes and maybe you are currently going through something difficult but you will make it through and you are wonderful. You don’t need to be perfect, it’s okay to be wonderfully flawed because that’s what makes you you. Only you defines you, not your past, not your significant others, your children, your family, only you and that’s a beautiful thing and if you currently don’t like who you are or what situation you are in, all it takes is one step in the right direction followed by more steps. I sincerely hope you all are doing well and just know even though we don’t know each other, I personally love you for who you are and who you will become.



“You have to F-ing poop” TMI warning

Obviously from the title you know where this is going lol also that it is probably TMI!

So when you’re little one goes through an intestinal surgery whether it’s one or multiple ones you’ll come across a few bumps in the road especially when you add a G-tube into the mix. Depending on the child you’ll have to deal with either diarrhea or constipation. Well poor little Katie suffers for the later from time to time.

Normally she’s pretty regular but when she’s not it quickly becomes a nightmare because well what doesn’t come out that end comes up in another way….vomit! So the two days I’ve been giving her prune juice, nothing so today I upped the stakes and gave her pear juice so hopefully that does the trick. I’m kind of hoping it happens within the next hour because her dad will be home and we have a deal, he must change one diaper a day and I find it hilarious when the one diaper a day is the number 2 one. He gets so dramatic, I should video it one day and post it up because it’s honestly the funniest best thing ever and like the evil EVIL woman that I am I so enjoy his mental anguish when he is changing her diaper.

So moral of the story is I don’t need the book “Go the Fuck to sleep”, I need a book called “You need to fucking poop”. Happy weekend ❤

Sometimes this plain old sucks

Katie has a g-tube and while it’s awesome because I can make sure she gets all the calories she needs and the proper amount of vitamins etc. I fucking hate it. She’s got an extremely strong oral aversion and if you try to feed her orally she fights you and starts sobbing which of course isn’t great when you’re trying to make her like feed time and trying to convince her it’s fun to eat. She has a feeding evaluation at the end of the month and I hope on all that is holy that they figure this child out because so far I’m failing at an epic level.

The other issue with the g-tube is she pukes….a lot but it goes in cycles she’ll keep all her food down for weeks then she’ll go into a week long cycle of puking normally there’s a cause, she’s teething, she’s congested, allergy season, she got moved too quickly after being fed, was too active while getting her feed etc. but other times like this week it’s none of that and I have to sit her and struggle to find the problem and fix it so we can get her to keep her food down and I just want to pull my hair out. My husband gets pissed off when she pukes so that doesn’t help (he never does anything bad to us he just storms out to the garage), I fully believe he is also suffering from PTSD but he won’t get on the medication to help him. Anyhow this just plain old sucks and the day she eats orally full time consistently I swear to God I’m going to down a bottle of wine in celebration and then pass out on the kitchen floor because I don’t drink. lol

In the end Katie is still getting the calories she needs, so she isn’t losing weight but my god this is beyond frustrating and I wish that she didn’t have to go through all this crap.


A little background so that this makes sense. I’ve been with my husband for a little over 10 years and the ex I’m going to talk about is from like 11 years ago. Okay now this will make sense…..I think.

My ex and I were together on and off for almost 5 years. We would break up and get back together again or more accurately he would break up with me and then come back as soon as some other girl wasn’t as good to him as I was. Anyhow he was kind of a douche, though I’ll admit he was a funny and handsome douche. We meet through my lovely cousin whom I am friends with on Facebook. Anyhow for some reason the other day I decided to look at his Facebook page and boy did I ever feel like the winner in the ex game.

I almost never think of this guy but I was delighted, absolutely delighted in how bad he looks now. He looks much older now and isn’t so handsome anymore and has gained some weight and I was just absolutely thrilled by this. Which btw is terrible. I am a terrible terrible woman. lol I told my husband about this and apparently I was experiencing a schadenfreude moment (deriving pleasure from someone else’s misfortune). It literally made my day and I’m slightly concerned that I may be more evil then I previously thought.

Apparently this is my spirit animal


We all make mistakes. I’ve made plenty in my 32 years on this planet. Tiny mistakes, moderate mistakes and luckily only a few huge mistakes. I look back sometimes at the things I have done in my past and feel without those mistakes I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Do I regret the mistakes I’ve made? Sure, who doesn’t but it does no good to constantly dwell on the mistakes I’ve made. Instead I choose to occasionally look back and remind myself not to make the same mistakes again.

I don’t think of myself as a bad person but I’ve definitely have done bad things in my life. Nothing like murder or terrible like that but still I’m not perfect. Honestly I don’t want to be perfect. I don’t think it’s possible to be perfect and I’m not going to strive ever to be perfect. I just want to be the best person I can be.

The minions movie make no damn sense

So being a stay at home mom of a almost two year old, I am now subjected to horrible kid shows. Katie fell in love with the minions movie much to my chagrin. Luckily it keeps her calm while she’s getting her G-tube feedings or else I’d probably pull out my hair. I have now seen this movie more times then I can count and can quote the movie word for word at this point. So here are some observations I’ve noticed after my millionth time of seeing it.

  SPOILERS AHEAD FAIR WARNING!!!!!!!!!! Also some cussing!




So the movie starts off and they eventually meet humans. They go from caveman to Pharaohs to Count Dracula to finally Napoleon. Now here’s were it gets a little messy geographically. They show them with Napoleon in the snow, if you know history this must be Russia right? So anyhow they mess up get chased away by the soldiers and go live in an ice cave. Okay so they have to be in Siberia or in the Arctic. blah blah blah 3 decide to leave the cave to find a villain to work for they end up at the sea and row their way to NYC. blah blah blah 30 minutes later the tribe decide to meet up with our titular minions in England. According to IMDB the minons were in Antarctica. WHAT!?! HOW! There is no polar bears in Antarctica NONE.  So they run away from the polar bear end up on an ice floe to be greeted by grizzly bears on the other side. (for this to make sense they had to be in the arctic because that’s were polar bears live and rowed across to Alaska) anyhow no instead they end up in Sydney, Australia (I imagine by magic) travel across Australia and go to India (don’t get me started on that one) to the USA then on a plane to get to England. WHAT KIND OF FUCKERY IS THIS. My husband says I’m looking too much into this and I agree but you’re telling me not ONE of the people working on this movie ever looked at a globe and didn’t realize that the minions way of travel makes no sense. NO ONE. I want to strangle the people who made this movie. Also how can they wear overalls when they don’t have shoulders.


Rant over now I’ll go back to watching those yellow tic tac a-holes again to appease the baby.



I’m afraid of my dryer….thanks mom

So as silly as this sounds I’m totally terrified of my dryer. It’s not the dryer its self more of the possibility of fire. My mom all my life is always warning me of things. Some totally make sense some of them….not so much. Make sure to clean the lint out of your dryer or it can set on fire. Make sure to do x or fire. Make sure to pay attention to your surroundings in the morning because someone can kidnap you and kill you oh and they set you on fire. (that’s the one that doesn’t make much sense also I made up the fire bit on the last one). It took me 30 something years to figure out why I’m so paranoid about fires and other people. Hit me like a ton of bricks, it’s because of my mother.

With all of Katie’s supplies I’ve become like ten times more paranoid. We have her vent, all her other equipment. Not to mention the 12 oxygen tanks that are just chilling in my living room. Which she doesn’t even use anymore but have to be on hand just in case.

So now I’m legitimately terrified of that damn dryer. I clean out the lint trap every time but in the back of my mind is always fire.  I don’t know where I’m going with this I just wanted to share because I totally just turned off the dryer from running even though the clothes aren’t dry because it was freaking me out.

Thanks medications!

I keep meaning to update this blog but every time I start I realize I have nothing but issues and complaints and who wants to hear about that right? I will say this it’s amazing how alone you can feel even if you have friends, family, and are married.

I get told all the time what a great mom I am and how involved I am with Katie’s therapy

katiebelle 002.JPG
She’s the only thing that keeps me sane

and I think to myself how far behind would she be if I were not here or what would happen to her and her progress if I were to die (not by my doing just to assure you). OT and PT are only out here 4 times a week total so about 4 hours a week she gets therapy, the rest is up to me and only me. I got some books from the library about therapy because I’m at the point I’ve already learned what I can from her therapists. It would be lovely to have actual help with her therapy but c’est la vie. Thank god or science or whatever for anxiety medication or else I might be on the news for randomly strangling some poor person in Meijer for running into me.


On a brighter note, Katie is getting better and better at standing and I think with help from this book I have I’ll have her crawling in no time.

I’m not sure about this whole standing thing….

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